Sunday, August 17th, 2014
Issue: 17   Editor: DirtyJoke

Joke's Weekly Jokes DirtyJoke

How fast can you guess these words?
1._ _ _ k
2._ _ndom

1. book
2. random
3. duck
You didn't get any of them right, huh?! You too have a dirty mind!

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A Seatbelt

That awkward moment when a rapist picks up a hitchhiking serial killer.
Killer: "Turn down that dark road down there."
Rapist: "I was planning on it..."

Next time (knowing all of you, IF) you're having sex with your significant other, stop right in the middle of it. When she asks what you're doing say, "Shhh...I saw this on the internet once. It's called 'buffering'."

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

Vin of ETS provides:
Why do elephants paint their toe nails red? So they can blend in more easily when they hide in your cherry tree.

What's big and grey and if it fell out of your cherry tree on top of you, it would squash you flat? A house.

Tyn tells us:
I love this time of year, it's all short skirts and crop tops!
But my friends think they make me look gay.

Inky writes:
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't jelly your cock in her ass.

What does tupperware have in common with a kinky walrus?
They are both looking for a tight seal

A little boy caught his dad masturbating. Never having seen that, he asked "Dad, what are you doing?"
His dad replies, "Don't worry son, you're going to do it soon!"
"Really? Why's that, Dad?" asked the kid.
"Well, my arm is getting tired..."

An anonymous reader admits:
So I was raping this woman the other night when she cried, "Please! Think of my children!"
Kinky bitch.

Trancoe writes in:
Want to hear a dirty joke?!
A White horse fell into the Mud!

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

Jesterite contributes with:
Why is sex like a game of bridge? You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

A professor of mathematics was tired and bored of his marriage, so one day he left his wife for a younger woman with a note left behind for when she got back from work;
"Dear (ex)wife, I am bored of our relationship, everything is just so tedious, therefore, I have left you for a 20 year old super model. We are staying at The Ritz, please only contact me to arrange the splitting of the house."
A couple of days later, he got a reply;
"Dear (ex)husband, I too was bored and tired of our relationship, so I have also gone off with a 20 year old Italian hunk. As a mathematician I am sure you understand that 20 goes into 54 a lot more than 54 goes into 20."
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