Sunday, June 27th, 2010
Issue: 34   Editor: HowlingMadMika


Delicious Thoughts DeliciousX
The Bootleggers forums are dangerous. Wild beasts of all manner and temperament roam the topics, looking for prey.
The forum whore has been hunted to near extinction, though some individuals remain. Many are active in the Classifieds region, where these unusual creatures barter and appear to negotiate to form teams. These teams are a hazard to our commercial sectors, where they are attracted by the smell of paper money. They work in a group to break into buildings, usually banks, and make off with their winnings.
The comparatively tame Game region is home to fewer individuals. They are normally harmless... and a little helpless. They appear to come to this region when faced with problems in their natural habitat. These creatures deliver advice to one another, able to perfect methods of dealing with problems in the habitat. It is believed that they have evolved in this way for millenia.
These are a war-loving race, and fight viciously to the death. The Game region is often a place of mourning, where forum whores gather together to grieve the passing of others.
The Off Topic region is a barren wasteland. Once home to the most sociable and exciting of creatures, the few that now confine themselves to this region are classed as critically endangered. A handful of individuals brave the harsh conditions of this region. Astonishingly, given the lack of resources, some of these individuals hold 'contests' where they give away what little they have. These are a truly remarkable race.

If you pay a visit to these regions, you will come across different species of this creature. Here I present to you:

The Tourist's Guide to the Lesser Spotted Forum Whore


1. Noobus Annoyingpha

Though individual traits do vary, most in this species are naïve, oblivious to danger, and aggravate other species, but their intentions are good-natured. This species has the highest mortality rate, but also breeds far more than any other species, therefore its population remains consistently high. Infinite numbers exist in all three regions.

Typical example #1: "hy m8, do u hv ne pnts for me plz?"
Typical example #2: "hy m8, can i oc wiv u plz?"

2. Braindeadosoma

This curious species is a loveable, if slightly stupid creature who is found in all 3 regions, though less so in the Classifieds. Often has little to communicate to other species, but feels the need to make an appearance. One look says it all- this species rely on their inept ability to keep their eyes open. Once believed to have an inability to blink, this theory has been disproven thanks to some rare sightings as specified below.

Typical example #1: ""
Typical example #2: ""
Rare case: ""

3. Trollus Suckicus

These are a vicious and universally-hated species. Usually found in the Off Topic region, though there have been sightings in the Game region. These spiteful individuals have a neurological inability to refrain from snapping at other species, particularly the Noobus Annoyingpha, and often continue incessantly being idiots until they are tired enough to sleep. Surprisingly large female:male ratio.

Typical example: There have been no successful recordings. Some scientists deny the very existence of this species.


4. Foruma Whoreicus

These are found almost solely in the Off Topic region. They are the most communicative and sociable species, though they have been hunted to a mere dozen or so. Not to be confused with the Braindeadosoma, though they do share similar characteristics. Facial expressions are considered as important as words. Topics of conversation vary considerably. This is also the only species capable of miming- see example.

Typical example #1: "***dances to Billie Jean*** "
Typical example #2: "Just had a tuna and jam sandwich! "


5. Smug Guy Talking With Ill-Deserved Confidence...icus

Members of this species typically consider themselves an expert on game-related topics of conversation. A hybrid of the Noobus Annoyingpha and the Trollus Suckicus, this species is few in number, but there have been sightings, normally in the Game region. This species likes to put forward a ridiculous argument, and end with a smug wink.

Typical example: "I thnik youll find that givings drivrs a low percentege is fair because they dnt deserve a higher one. "


6. Screamaphila

Believed to now be extinct. The Screamaphila has to shout everything it communicates. Numbers were always low as even fellow Screamaphila refused to breed with each other.

Typical example #1: "DON DOING OC IN PENNY BM ME GF+ LOW RANKS DONT BOTHER"
Typical example #2: "HOW DO I COMPLETE THE 3RD MISSION COS IVE TRIED EVERYTHNIG AND I NEED SOMEONE TO EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT TO DO. THANKS."



7. Leet Vulgare

Found across the regions, though less so in the Classifieds. These creatures have their own language. Other species will recognise it as a dialect of their own language, but may not always be capable of understanding. This species has been hunted to practical extinction. A good-natured, if slightly overbearing race. A direct descendant of the Foruma Whoreicus, though it has similar genes to the Screamaphila and Braindeadosoma.

Typical example #1: "OMGz0rz! Wh4t DID THEI DO t0 meh?!?!?!?! "
Typical example #2: "MEMES FTW! I l0lzzzz0rred MAKE MEH A pr0n Pi3! "


Happy hunting.