Sunday, October 10th, 2010
Issue: 50   Editor: SeanGoesToUni


COLUMN: What Would Happen...? Noir
Imagine the weirdest gathering of people you've ever seen.

You may think that the cast of Monty Python were pretty weird. You may think that the local ugly guy and hot girl getting together is a pretty weird gathering of people. You may even think, and you'd be forgiven for believing so, that you and your multiple personalities are a pretty strange bunch.

But none of them can hold a penis-shaped candle to the ultimate gathering of weirdos. A gathering that has, according to legend, taken place a few years ago. A gathering that is planning on meeting up once again. A gathering... of Bootleggers. No, not a gathering of 1930's booze-smuggling mobsters, but a gathering of spotty European teens.

Last week saw a topic trying to enthuse some players into meeting up... IN REAL LIFE. It was met with mixed reviews. And unfortunately, I lost the topic... I traipsed through the game forum for the best part of 20 minutes trying to relocate it, days after having first read it. I even scoured the Off Topic forum in the hope that maybe a HDO had moved it. My guess is that a member of staff decided that the world simply wasn't ready for a gathering of Bootleggers, and the topic has been stripped, beaten, and chained up in the basement of condemned ideas.

So, I can't ACTUALLY quote anyone. But the general feeling was this; why the HELL would anyone want to meet up with another Bootleggers player, whose social and conversational skills are akin to that of a dead badger's rectum?

I feel like my article has to have a certain amount of cynicism. Nobody could write an article about this without pointing out the stereotypes of the nerdy online gaming community. So, I would normally have a good go at being unnecessarily mean, then add on a bit of sentimental slush, to keep the feel of the article a little more positive.

Screw that. I'll get the slushy stuff out of the way right NOW. And the slushy stuff, quite simply, is this; I would LIKE to meet a couple of users I've met. They seem awesome. However, in the vast majority of cases, I would rather remove my spleen and turn it into paté. Yeah. I can be heartwarming.

Let's ignore the language barrier and pretend we all speak perfect English. That doesn't just go for the Dutchies, that goes for the 'yoof' of Britain too (ya-get-me?). So, assuming we can all... communicate, on some level... imagine how awkward the conversation would be, if we actually DID have a real life getogether.



"Hey, you with 'The Awesome Bootleggers Gathering 2010'?"

"Yeah! What's your name?"

"Jeremy!"

"No, I mean your USERNAME!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hahahaha! Ha... ha..."

*long, guffawing chortles*

*awkward silence*


"Want a beer?"

"No... I'm too young to drink..."

"Oh..."

***awkward silence***


(smugly) "I once won a slot table!"

"THAT WAS YOU!? YOU BASTARD! If I was behind the safety of my computer screen, I'd troll you till you SCREAMED! However, in real life, I will just look at you with the most pathetic expression my underused facial muscles can muster."

***awkward silence***


"Man, where are all the chicks in this place?"

"I think I saw one earlier!"

"Oooh, where!?"

"There, over there!!!"

***half of the group jumps into hiding at the prospect of meeting a girl***


"Oh, wait... it was only a guy pretending to be a girl for some BL cash..."

"Whew!"

***relieved silence***

***some guy comes over***


"Hey guys, fancy a drinking game?"

"FUCK OFF, SMOKE & MIRRORS!"

"Hey, relax man, I just-"

"FUCK. YOU!"

***punches weakly***

***guy walks in, listening to his iPod. Everyone looks at him enviously...***


"Just because he busted somebody out..."

"hey m8, cud you lend me sum euros plz for a drink plz? im pooor"

"What?"

***a message is transmitted over the intercom***

"Hello Bootleggers! Welcome to our special gathering of hardcore Bootleggers users! BSF2000 would just like to say thank you for the dedication you have shown the game over the past 7 years. He IS here tonight, alive and online..."

***(waits for laughter... and gets none)***

***crowd looks at BSF, who is asleep on his throne on stage.***


"...ahem... alive and online... but a little busy. So please, enjoy yourselves, and try not to disturb him!"

***Crowd looks in disbelief***


"How can he be busy? HE'S FUCKING IDLE!"

"No no, he's very busy, he just-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGHHHH!"

***crowd starts rioting, throwing chairs around the room, crying into their orange juice... a couple of users sit entranced in the corner, puffing on a spliff, oblivious to the happenings around them***


"Hey, you! Help me with this! We can torch the place!"

"Yeah! Let's burn the place DOWN!"

"Can I join in?"

"No."

"RANKIST!"